In five to ten years, where do you see yourself? I'll be honest—I've never liked this question. Whether it is a close friend, a complete stranger, a potential future boss, a relative, or another individual. We are all unable to predict our future locations. Sure, if I had the ability to see into the future or could ask a magic 8 ball for an answer that was certain, I would instantly blurt it out (and probably in so much detail) that I could foretell what would happen to me in the next five minutes or what hairs would sprout on my head the following day. Although I find this inquiry objectionable, it also transports me to a private, contemplative space in my head where I feel profound gratitude.

When I consider this, I also find myself recalling where I was seven years ago, when I was not at all comfortable. In actuality, it was the exact reverse. You know the unpredictability life can also be? Well it was hitting me right in the face. Granted, I always think “things could be worse” in all situations, but never have I felt as I did then. It was also my 40th birthday and my CF doc had put in an order for a chest CT scan on that day (happy birthday to me) due to pain in my left lung that I’d been feeling for months. My lung function was not reflecting this (that fun unpredictability again) and I needed answers. I arrive, do the CT, and return home, praying for answers. I was running, I was lifting weights, I was trying to do “all the things.” This pain wasn’t going away. I hated Christmas (my favorite holiday) that year before (my birthday is in January) and wanted to reach inside my chest and rip my left lung out. But at the same time, I smiled, I thought there are others going through much worse, and whatever it is, it’ll pass. The CT confirmed and I quote my CF nurse “multiple pockets of mucus and a nodule” of such and such size. I needed continuous IV antibiotics for at least 3 weeks. I ended up doing five weeks. You know the saying things have to get worse before they get better? Well, this was the case for me. I remember crying so much, falling into a dark hole, and wishing the worst possible scenario to happen. I can say in my life, I had never had that thought ever before and I have not ever again. After the five weeks of toxic yet helpful IV antibiotics flowing through my veins, the pain still remained. I then attended six weeks of PT, used ice/ heat, and did stretches for this pain. It seemed to have found a home and wasn’t leaving. I honestly felt my body was forsaking me. I accepted that this was my life due to scarring, build up of scar tissue, multiple lung infections through the years and hey, things could be much worse. Suck it up buttercup, you’ll be fine..besides, what’s life without living with any pain? I feel that those of us living with CF we have come to accept this: pain is a part of living. We have endured (and those closest to us have observed this) multiple situations of pain. And we carry on. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger… right?

And that is exactly right. Even though I was at my lowest, I gently picked myself up. I started visiting a therapist. Each day, I let the anguish go. I made an effort to live each day as if it were my last. I kept anticipating fresh days and had a deep-seated conviction that whatever transpired, everything will turn out alright. I started to feel grateful for what I was going through.

Sincere thankfulness allowed me to feel such serenity amid any parallel upheaval that was simultaneously raging in my life. And so I ask you. Peace, what is it? How would you describe gratitude? For me, achieving inner peace means discovering what grounds you, what makes you feel inexplicably whole, and knowing in your heart that you will survive whatever comes your way. Additionally, this is a time when you should be doing the things that make you happy. We all know that life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but if we can alter our perspective and the way we react to events, I think a person can find peace. It really is beyond all comprehension.

I strive to find peace daily. Whether it be in snuggling my pups, taking them on a walk, savoring each sip of my coffee every morning, taking in a deep breath, hanging clean clothes on the line to air dry, listening to a favorite song or band, laughing so hard you cough, dancing to a beat, singing those high notes (or low and all in between), mowing the yard, pulling off the road to watch a sunset, being with family, hugging my loved ones, calling a friend, encouraging my workers, taking 5 minutes to watch the clouds, stand outside in the rain, listening to the thunder, read a few chapters, verses, or pages of an uplifting book… when you stop and really think about it, peace is all around us. We just have to be open, accepting and acknowledge it. No matter what hell you may have to walk through to get to it. And if you need help finding it, reach out to someone. Please. We are all truly in this thing called life together.

So, going back to the original query, where do you see yourself in the subsequent 5–10 years? I'm not sure. I'm at a loss for words. Here is what I DO know, though. I arrived where I am today as a result of all the experiences I have had thus far. All the peaks, valleys, and everything in between. And despite how hectic it may be, I continue to relish each new day and treasure the moments I have. And, do you know what’s the beauty of it all? Being in my current situation is something I never anticipated. It's incredible.

"Peaks & Valleys" by Michelle Herpolsheimer

Info

Action